Completing the Healing Circle

Psychological Enlightenment Series

As anyone who has spent much time seeking a better understanding of narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths can attest, there are a wide range of perspectives, angles and vectors these subjects are approached from with varying degrees of value and success.

Out in the ether is a fascinating full spectrum gallery that ebbs and flows with psychologists, psychiatrists, researchers, polymaths, empaths, survivors, co-narcissists, lovable rogues, slightly dark siders, and all the way up to the full-blown toxic clinical types described in the DSM, Dark Tetrad research, Malignant Narcissism analysis, the study of psychopathy, and combinations thereof. A big part of what makes it all so fascinating is there are such varying degrees of clarity, utility, overlap, good intentions, bad intentions and existential villainy.

To be fair to all, anyone who has experienced and/or observed enough applied narcissist psychology knows it is impossible to see it all or get it right 100% of the time and most are constrained by things they are still working through, so it is no surprise there will be disagreements, contradictions and stylistic differences.  

The quest for ultimate truths and solutions is why CNI welcomes all constructive psychological suggestions or corrections that will improve the transfer of intelligence. In that spirit, CNI philosophy also dictates we should attempt to supplement the well-intentioned with more complete answers the philosophy can provide, which is why we are only here to add value and clarity, not to criticize.

In this first edition of the Psychological Enlightenment series, we are merely completing a circle another started.  

Full disclosure: I have found the following Substack to have good general information. However, like most psychologists observed, there are a few potential red flags in the info provided due to an apparent quasi-constrainment by the Goldwater rule to meet de facto industry ethical standards. The conventional industry wisdom of overstating to the public the effectiveness of treatment for darker clinical-level narcissism is also concerning. These institutional limitations are mostly counter to CNI philosophy which is why a recommendation has been resisted.

The below is a recent post by “narcissist hunter psychologist” Fahim Chughtai that from a CNI perspective is only half the answer survivors need to protect themselves and heal. Clearly, this is something Fahim seems to deeply care about and is well-intentioned, but we never want to see the public left with half an answer when CNI can complete the circle.  Especially when half the answer incorrectly puts all the weight and cause on the survivor.

To be clear, I do not believe there was any ill intent. It appears Fahim is working on a common psychological misconception that all solutions come from within, because when we as a society are also up against dark and hidden external narcissistic forces relentlessly trying to groom, trick and gaslight us, it is clear that at least some answers come from without as well.

“I wanted to share something that has been on my mind recently and it's about healing and toxic relationships.

I've come across many people who are struggling with toxic relationships and wondering why they keep attracting the wrong kind of love into their lives. And I think I finally understand why.

Until we heal ourselves, until we become whole and content with who we are, we will continue to attract toxic people into our lives. It's not because they're bad or unworthy of love, but because they haven't fully healed from their past wounds and traumas.

You see, when we're broken on the inside, we tend to project that onto others. We become toxic and hurtful, unintentionally pushing away the people who genuinely care for us. It's a cycle that can only be broken by taking the time to heal and work on ourselves.

So I just wanted to remind you, and anyone else who needs to hear this, that self-love and self-care are crucial in attracting healthy and fulfilling relationships. Don't be afraid to take the time to heal and grow, because in the end, it will only benefit you and those around you.

Take care of yourself first, and the right kind of love will come into your life when you're ready for it. Remember that healing is a continuous journey, but it's one that is worth every step.”

Let us unpack this a bit to help better manage healing and toxicity beyond the initial generally good advice given.

It is interesting that a psychologist would say that, “healing and toxic relationships are something they have been thinking about for a long time.” One would generally think that a well-trained and practiced psychologist would already have healing and toxic relationships all figured out, so that would imply they feel recently healed from their own toxic experiences, or based on their theme of being ready for love, has found love with a good person so they assume they are healed, because true love conquers all.

Of course a deep study in the field of psychology should help expedite anyone’s processing and healing, so it is a bit unfair to expect the less psychologically educated to heal anywhere near as easily, as quickly or in the same way as those with a high-level of education on the subject matter.

Years of CNI “off the record” polling has also revealed most who go into psychology had at least one narcissistic parent or guardian, although most do not believe their narcissistic parent is the reason they went into psychology.

Another apparent coincidence is that most survivors who do or do not become professionals filter their education, focus and the psychological data through their own personal trauma prism, thus sometimes their conclusions appear to be guided by preconceived beliefs or personal feelings over what the hard science tells us. That does not necessarily mean they are wrong. That just means they better have a darn good reason for saying why the science or conventional wisdom is wrong, as will be done here.

As with anyone for any number of reasons, our preconceived beliefs can sometimes cause us to fall into the trap of confirmation bias, and thus missing the bigger picture and greatest truth. Again, this is no indictment of anyone. It is just a necessary acknowledgement that we all have our own personal set of blinders that limit our deeper levels of understanding from time to time, but we also must acknowledge that for far too many, their narcissism blinds them almost all the time to truths they can’t or don’t want to handle.

Of course psychologists as a rule “come across many people who are struggling with toxic relationships and wondering why they keep attracting the wrong kind of love into their lives.”

Fahim’s reasons for attracting the wrong kind of love are: “When we're broken on the inside, we tend to project that onto others.” We become toxic and hurtful, unintentionally pushing away the people who genuinely care for us.”

There is no debate that when someone is broken inside, they can attract the wrong kind of people and “love” and they themselves can push those who care about them away by being toxic and hurtful.

Fahim’s solutions for attracting the right kind of love: “It's a cycle that can only be broken by taking the time to heal and work on ourselves.” “Self-love and self-care are crucial in attracting healthy and fulfilling relationships.” “Don't be afraid to take the time to heal and grow, because in the end, it will only benefit you and those around you.”“Take care of yourself first, and the right kind of love will come into your life when you're ready for it.” “Remember that healing is a continuous journey, but it's one that is worth every step.”

There is also no debate that “self-love and self-care are crucial in attracting healthy and fulfilling relationships” and everyone needs to be on a continuous journey of healing and growth to get to (and stay at) a place where they are open to loving relationships.

In fact, from the research I have seen and believe in, co-narcissist survivors heal best in a safe and loving environment where they can unlearn the narcissistic tendencies that push those who care about them away. This means those not fully healed can often find love that helps heal them with those who have gone through similar circumstances, because they understand each other and can build each other up with the love, support and understanding they need but were unfairly denied.

However, the primary inspiration for this commentary comes from the missing acknowledgement (that there are far more) toxic predators out there compulsively hunting for everyone’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities to exploit like sharks to blood.

This means they usually sense instinctively which buttons to press and triggers to pull once they have found the slightest vulnerability, no matter what stage of the healing process their prey is at. In fact, they also often prefer manipulating the psychologically strong and healthy because it makes them feel even more powerful.

The point is, there are far more toxic people all around us than most realize who are constantly fishing to see who they can catch, play with and/or torment because it is their pathological nature. They will almost always gravitate towards any weakness they can exploit to make themselves feel big, so imagine how big a toxic narcissist would feel if they crushed someone who had built themselves up from a lifetime of narcissistic abuse.

Therefore, long before one can fully heal, what one needs to understand early on in the process about attracting toxic people is that while everyone definitely needs to work on personal tells that attract toxic predators, there will always be a certain percentage of people that we all will come across on a regular basis who are psychic vampires out laying bait and traps that anyone can fall into, no matter how psychologically healthy and strong they are.

So the deeper truth is everyone healing must learn how to recognize the behaviors and tells and how to safely remove toxic people from their lives, long before and after they can become psychologically healthy enough to be ready to embrace true forms of love, because just like swimming sharks, narcissists will cross our paths all of our lives, over and over, hunting for new prey, regardless of the steadfastness of our emotions.

Of course the more psychologically knowledgeable and healthy we are, the stronger our resistance and danger warnings will be, but no one will ever be completely immune to attracting toxic people because the sheer volume of dark side narcissists in every society makes it nearly impossible for anyone to completely avoid them.

Fahim’s conclusion: “Until we heal ourselves, until we become whole and content with who we are, we will continue to attract toxic people into our lives.”

Essentially, where CNI would say Fahim needs to keep processing is the conclusion that attracting toxic people primarily only happens to survivors because they haven't fully healed from their past wounds and traumas. Certainly there is a lot of truth in the need for self-healing and to stop sending signal flares to predators, but what inspired a CNI response is that only an internal component of attracting narcissists is articulated and the difficulty and time most survivors face just trying to heal seems somewhat undervalued.

The primary external component that is missing from the above advice about how to stop attracting toxic people is that based on simple statistics, no one in society can avoid them and they are instinctively driven to hear, see, smell and taste any blood in the water in the form of weaknesses the narcissist can exploit to maximum effect, no matter what level of psychological health one has. Therefore perfect mental health does not end toxic people trying to enter your life under the guise of friends or love interests.  

The saying, “Our parents spend the first 20 years of our lives messing us up and we have to spend the next 20 straightening ourselves out” seems to apply as a minimum time frame for fully recovering from childhood narcissistic abuse, which is a very long time to keep dismissing healthy and healing love with those who are patient and understanding.

While it is certainly true that many who have suffered narcissistic abuse are conditioned to see kindness as weakness and push it away, most who have a solid capacity to come back into the light will figure out sooner before later that they want a kind love that brings them the peace and happiness they have been long denied, so will likely not push away all the kind people who can love them and help them heal.

Understanding, recognizing and managing all of one’s friendship and love challenges, magnetic triggers and self-destructive behaviors is what psychological enlightenment and coming full circle is all about.